Before my husband and I were married we went through
pre-marital counseling through our local church. I had a great experience and will share a post
very soon on one of the greatest and fun assignments we received in pre-marital
counseling.
During our pre-marital counseling appointments we discussed a
lot of different topics; faith, finances, family, goals, and so much more. One of the things we discussed was our
thoughts on starting a family, how many children we both desired, and when we
anticipated starting our family.
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This post is not to say this is what everyone should do, I am
sharing what we did and how it helped us.
I believe everyone should decide for themselves what is right for their
family. The major key is for the two of you to be in
agreement, be aware of each other’s desires and not enter your marriage
relationship clueless about your spouse’s beliefs.
When the topic of having children came up in pre-marital
counseling we both without previously discussing it with each other wrote in
our questionnaire that we wanted four children and we wanted to wait five years
before we started having children. We
were in are early 20’s, we wanted to travel together and we were in
brand new careers. Not living together
before marriage we wanted to get to know each other and build our relationship
foundation before starting our family.
I am grateful we had the same desire but two years into
our marriage I started to have the baby itch.
I had quite a few friends who were married around the same time we were
married and every single one of them either came home from their honeymoons
pregnant or were pregnant within six months of being married. Watching all my friends excited about their
new babies and being surrounded by people talking about pregnancy and all
things baby related had me rethinking my decision to wait five years. We had been married two years, had traveled
some, settled into married life and I was thinking “why wait any longer?”
When I brought this to my husband he wanted to stay with our
original plan. He encouraged me to not
get in a hurry, and that children would come we should enjoy each other,
because once we had kids life would change forever.
After quite a few discussions about this and me not wanting
to wait and putting the press on him my husband suggested we meet with our
pastor and discuss the situation. Our pastor encouraged us to stay
in unity and stay in agreement with whatever decision we made. He also encouraged me to remember that we had
discussed this decision in our pre-marital counseling appointments and I had
agreed that we would wait five years to have children. I am very grateful that we had a pastor to walk us through this conversation. I wasn’t exactly
excited after our meeting because I
had changed my mind, why should I have to stick to our original
agreement? I remember crying and still having
a strong desire to have a baby and waiting three more years seemed like forever
at the time.
When you get married the question about having children
immediately comes up in almost every conversation with people from your parents
and in-laws who want grandchildren, including the grocery store clerk who you tell
you are a newlywed. I am so grateful for
the input from our pastor. I had people
telling me that I should just “forget” to take the pill and get pregnant if I
wanted to have a baby. That is the worst
advice anyone can give and I’m grateful I didn’t act on that. I knew I wanted my husband to “want” to
have children and it not be me tricking him into having kids. I wanted him to be excited about being a
father and enjoy every part of the process of starting our family.
I went away from that appointment with our pastor and really
spent some alone time with God, yielding and surrendering over that desire to start our family. I asked God
to help me wait joyfully and not feel out of place amongst my friends who were
all starting their families. I asked God
that if He would so graciously speak to my husband when it was the right time
to start our family which would hopefully be before five years. I remember that moment, I truly received the
grace to wait, I never once felt that same strong desire, of course I still
thought babies were cute when I was around them, but it wasn’t that feeling of
emptiness that I felt before. It wasn’t
the feeling that I was missing out on something but rather I was going to enjoy it when it was my time.
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| On our Hawaii Cruise |
Well four years into our marriage right after a 15 day cruise to Hawaii my husband came to me and
asked me if I was ready to have a baby.
He came all on his own I had never again hinted or brought up starting
our family. I am so grateful to God that
we had that precious time together. I
love my children, I love being a mom, but it’s so true, once you have children
your life changes forever and there is no going back. I am grateful for the wonderful memories we
have of just the two of us being married so young (me 21 and my husband 20). I am grateful we had enough time to enjoy each other and mature.
I’m grateful for the traveling we did, the opportunities we had to serve
in a great way in our church, mission’s trips, and other community
involvements. Not that you can’t do
those things with children, but it takes a lot more planning and preparation to
travel, volunteer, or do anything when you have children, you need to consider
their schedule, line up babysitters, and with children comes all the “stuff”
diaper bags, play yards, swings and so much more to carry along.
I am grateful to God that He really does provide grace for
whatever situation we face and that He walks through life with us loving
us and caring about every detail.
I am grateful that he changed my husband’s heart as I surrendered this
desire over to Him. God has done this
many times on other occasions as well, as I’ve prayed for my husband and turned
over situations to God, God has been faithful!
If you know a couple who is getting married share this post
with them. If you come across newlyweds
whether they be friends or family don’t put pressure on them to have children,
respect each person’s decision to wait or start their family right away.
I have watched other couples who were not on the same page
about starting a family and how it negatively affected their relationship. I have known both men and women who did not
enjoy the pregnancy stage and enjoy their babies because they were not really
ready to have children. I know you can
never be completely ready, but you should be on board to embark on this life changing journey.
Having children is a true gift from God and it should be
cherished and enjoyed in all stages; conception, pregnancy and raising your
children. There is nothing that compares
to having a baby; it should be a decision that you don’t enter into
lightly. You should be aware of the
privilege it is to have babies and also aware of the investment it requires of
you.
Husbands would do well to recognize the need your wife has to
procreate. God created our biological clocks and they can be accelerated by marriage or friends being pregnant. Wives
recognize the need your husband has to truly have you, all of you, most men
know once you have children they have to share you. Discuss lovingly with each other both of your
perspectives and see the importance of unity at all costs. Know that God cares about your hearts desires
and He will help you if you seek Him for wisdom and His leading in every area
of your life.
If you know couples who are not married yet but plan on
getting married encourage them to have these huge discussions before they are
married.
Thank you for reading if you’ve enjoyed the content you’ve
read above please share with your friends.
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