Skip the Small Talk

I read somewhere that couples who have deep conversations are far likelier to be happy than couples who always keep it light.  Researchers report that the happiest couples have twice as many substantive discussions -- and far fewer superficial ones -- as the unhappiest couples.

After being married for a number of years, my husband and I will celebrate our 12^th anniversary this May and as you add children to the mix, I find it is easy to get caught up in small talk in your marriage relationship. 

I find couples are filling each other in with work information, kid information, and our conversations can become more business related, what is for dinner, what is on our family schedule of events and small talk. 

When you first start dating, courting, having interest in your loved one, you are interested in their belief system, their opinions, their take on world events, family situations, and everything under the sun.

Once married after time, we think we know each other so well, we forget to ask deep questions.  Where does your spouse stand on world events and principles?  Do you take interest in their opinions on family matters or are you so focused on seeing things from your perspective that you don't take the time to find out why your spouse made that decision or behaved the way they did.  Or do you assume you know why they did what they did, or said what they said.

I can see in my marriage relationship where I just assume, what my husband needs or is thinking instead of double checking and asking his thoughts on the situation. 

It can be deep stuff, but it can be light stuff taken to a deeper level.  People change over time, I know I am not the same in many areas as I was at 21 when we married.  Some of my tastes have changed, some of my interests have changed and likewise for my husband.

I am challenging myself and you the reader to make getting to know your spouse at a greater level part of your life goal.  To stir up the intrigue, stir up your curiosity about one another.

I know there is a comfort level that comes with being married over time, where you have your routine, of where you eat, shop, and go on dates.  How about branching out in our conversations and seeking to know what our spouse would like to do, discuss, eat different. 

I know a couple who the wife made pancakes for the husband for over 20 years to only come to find out he did not like pancakes he just ate them because his wife made them.

I know I have had to discover how my husband likes different meals, these are good questions to find out and take interest in, they are the love of our life, they are the person we want to please and enjoy life with into our old age, we should seek to know what makes them tick. 

Sometimes when our spouse does not like eating something, going somewhere, or participating in something, we just chalk it up to their personality, there pet peeve.  How about inquiring why don't you like this, not with an attitude of trying to fix them or even fix the situation but with an inquisitive mind I want to know why you do what you do, I love you and want to know you.  Everyone does what they do for a reason, the way we drive, the directions we take or don't take. 

I also have observed in my own life and in others, where we are so caught up each in our own career's or husbands with career and wives with children that when we do get together, we don't know what to talk about, or we feel so different.  Well it's okay to be different, it's okay to have different interests we should each take interest in each other even if you don't share that same interest.  This is something I still am growing in, I am not the biggest sports fan, but I try to enjoy a baseball game because I know my husband enjoys it.  I admire a friend of mine who goes all out for her husband’s sports team, it’s neat to watch how she has embraced his team and they both enjoy going to games and cheering for their team.

I believe in finding common hobbies, or interest's as married couples.  It's important to do things together and having common bonds, but it is also okay to recognize you are different people with different likes and dislikes, that is part of what attracted you to each other.  You took interests in how their mind worked, or how they were, keep that interest and desire to know each other burning.

I know small talk will still exist, and you need to pass on information to each other, about meals, kids, schedules, but take it deeper.  Ask questions about how they were raised, family traditions they had or wish they had.  Ask questions about why they like or dislike something.  Ask questions of why, not questioning, what they are doing because you have a better way or easier way, but why, I want to know why you chose that, or why you like that.  Be a conversation starter and builder. 

I can see why researchers say happier couples have fewer superficial conversations.  Who wants to have only small talk with the person they are spending the rest of their life with.  That can get old and boring, that is what takes place with strangers not the love of your life and your best friend. 

If you see you have more superficial conversations than you would like, don't be discouraged just start asking questions and having that gleam in your eye you once had, stir up that intrigue and do not take for granted the one you love thinking you know everything there is to know about them. 

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