In the beginning weeks, and months of marriage you are
discovering each other in a whole new way.
When you live together, you see much more of each other and see all the
habits and preferences that you may not have been aware of before living
together.
You get to experience setting up a home, and realize you
would place things in a different spot than your spouse. You cook different, clean different, and are
used to different brands of products, one not better or worse than the other
just different. All that being said even after being married for a year we couldn’t
be in the kitchen to cook eggs together. It frustrated both my husband and I
because I thought he was being quite difficult and too particular in something
as simple as eggs and he thought his way was the only way to cook an egg. We
have since moved on from our egg debate, but not our egg salad differences, I’m
all about spicing things up and adding flavor and he would prefer the regular
and plain options.
Gratefully we haven’t had big blow out fights, in the eleven
years we’ve been married, and it’s been less than a handful of times that my husband
and I have had a fight. Sure there are
frustrations or things that I didn’t appreciate, but I’m talking about fights, you
know the kind where you just don’t want to be in each other’s presence at that
moment, I can only think of less than five times. Which I believe this is true in our
relationship because of this one question, 100 years from now will this matter?
One time in particular, it was in our second year of
marriage, I couldn’t even tell you today what it was about, I just know I was
upset about something, I was crying, and did not want to talk to him about
whatever was going on. I remember we
were in the car together we pulled into our house garage and my husband told me
I could not go into the house until we resolved this. I remember saying to him I don’t want to talk
about it. I remember storming out of the
car ready to go inside and lock myself in the room. My husband stood in front of the door and
held me and said "in 100 years from now is this even going to matter?" At that moment it mattered, it was obviously
a big deal, big enough to make me cry, but not big enough to even remember
today what it was about. Which makes my
point exactly; in 100 years from now will this matter?
Early in our marriage my husband had made that statement to
me and it stuck with me. Life goes by so
fast and we should enjoy every day that we have with our loved ones. Tomorrow is not promised and if you can make
the decision that every day you will treat your spouse as if it were the last
day you were with them, your marriage would be different.
I am in no way saying we are perfect at this; I have
selfish moments just like everyone else.
But every time we begin to tiff about something, my husband’s voice pops
in my head with that question “Jessica, 100 years from now is this going to
matter?” Immediately I go back to that
very first time he said that to me, in our garage, I remember that he is my
best friend, he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, he has
been there in joy and pain and nothing, absolutely nothing is worth holding a
grudge and fighting over.
There have been times when I argue in my head, well it
matters right now. Why should I just let
it go, why do I always seem to be the one that yields. Just like our first fight that I blogged
about here: http://goo.gl/gRTKQB. I have learned there is a difference between forgiving each
other and brushing things under the rug, unresolved issues have a way of festering and becoming something larger. It’s better to discuss
whatever differences you have, maybe not always in the heat of the moment. Many times what you are fighting about isn’t
even the thing you are most angry at, rather the way something was said, or
where it was said or done, in front of people or the timing of the situation. Many times we fight because of inner turmoil’s,
pressures, stresses that are going on inside of us and it really has nothing to
do with what are spouse did or said, it’s everything else we feel we are up
against and then this small insignificant thing takes place and we take it out
on our spouse.
In the middle of your disagreement or frustration if you can
step back and ask yourself, in 100 years will this matter? I believe it will change the way you approach
disagreements in your marriage. Think on all the things you are grateful for in your spouse,
think about who they are in your life and all the times they have been your
hero.
I once met a couple who had been married over 70 years and
had never had a fight; they said when they married they “decided” they would
not fight. It is possible to have a
peaceful marriage and walk in unity all of your days. It really does come down to you deciding to
choose love; to choose unity at all costs.
Choose to prefer each other over anyone and anything.
It’s not about never getting your way or your preferences, as
you both make this decision you will grow and learn to value each other’s
voices and choices. There have been times
when my husband chose to surrender his preference and yield to mine. Living this way not only benefits your
marriage but your children and everyone you come in contact with. When you are angry it usually carries over to
how you interact with others everywhere you go.
Practice this week, loving your spouse unconditionally,
walking in unity, discussing any differences in a cool, calm and loving
fashion. Choose love and choose to think
on all the positive attributes of your spouse. When you have that moment ask yourself in 100 years from now will this matter?
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