How Do You Speak About Your Spouse?

This post is to encourage you married couples to only speak well of your spouse.  Most people would think that is common knowledge but I am amazed at how many times I am with strangers and people I know and they speak badly of their spouse.  I know there are the extreme people who are unhappily married and speak horribly of their spouse all the time; I’m not talking about them.  I am talking about people who I know to have a good relationship with their spouse and yet they well say negative things about their spouse’s behavior, dress, career, parenting skills the list goes on.  It’s not only what you say to others about your spouse, but also how you say whatever you are saying to your spouse in front of people.

I remember early in our marriage we were at a social gathering and I watched as a husband berated his wife in front of everyone at the table we were sitting at.  I remember leaving that event and discussing this with my husband.  No matter how annoyed you are with what your spouse does or said, it is never okay to berate them to your friends, family and even strangers.  I felt humiliated for that wife.  This is not a man or woman thing, I have also watched as women speak badly of their husbands in front of people, and behind there back. 

Think about what you are saying and how would you feel if your spouse discussed your bad habit, or bad day that you had with others.  Sometimes we are only saying it jokingly or in defense of something we are doing.  We like to bring up remember when you did this to justify our actions.  No matter the situation it’s not okay.  When the one person who has seen you in your most intimate and vulnerable places in life speaks badly of you and laughs at you it breeds distrust and heartache.  It’s one thing to be silly together and laugh together at a mistake or mishap, that’s completely different than laughing at your spouse and ridiculing their actions or feelings. 

Sometimes it’s even those comments in front of people of “I can’t believe you feel like that” instead of listening to what they are feeling and trying to understand where they are coming from.  Sometimes it’s the tone you use in responding to a question or situation.  I remember one time when my husband snapped at me in front of people, I was embarrassed, thankfully I was in a good place at the time and realized it wasn’t personal and let it go.  There have been other times when I would have stormed out of the room in tears.  Watch your tone with each other, are you listening to what they are really saying, or just snapping at each other taking out your stress on each other.

As parents we teach our kids about not bullying, being kind, you reap what you sow, treat others as you would like to be treated and the list goes on.  Are we setting the example for them to follow?  Do they see and only hear you saying good things about their dad or mom.  I hear parents telling their children not to roll their eyes or behave rudely and yet I see many adults roll their eyes about what their spouse is saying or doing.  Why would it be okay for you to be rude to your spouse or anyone? 

One time I was joking with my husband about not bringing me something that he had purchased for himself, I don’t even remember what it was but I said “You didn’t bring me one?  You’re such a butt face.”  Real mature right?  I said it right in front of our boys.  I’ll never forget the look on my kids’ face all three of their little eyes were on me, they heard what I said, they gasped as if saying “Mom, how could you call dad a name”.  I was totally wrong to do that.  I was not mad at him; I just allowed the wrong thing to slip out of my mouth.  I don’t let my boys call each other or others names, so why would it be okay for me to call my husband a name, even in jest.

Someone once told me that you should not go to your parents and speak badly of your husband, even in your moment of frustration or hurt.  As a wife we will have those moments, and we also learn to forgive and walk in love.  Once we tell our mom or best friend how your husband acted like a jerk, they might not be so easy to forgive and forget.  

I understand when you need advice about a situation or need some encouragement, you should only go to the right people, people who will encourage you to pray for your spouse, love your spouse and forgive your spouse.  You should not go to your girlfriends who are going to berate your husband and relationship any further.  I have had disagreements with my husband and asked for advice about the situation, from the right people, and it also depends how you discuss the situation.  Do you fully reveal both sides of the story, “this is how I feel, and this is how he sees it” or are you only sharing your side of the story and leaving out details so people will side with you.

I am grateful when I have had those moments of hurt and frustration I have friends who share their relationship blow it’s and my mom has encouraged me on more than one occasion, to walk in love, to remember what a good man I am married to and how he is a good husband and father to our children.  It’s not just fights that I am talking about, sometimes it’s the job changes we have had, sometimes its schedule changes.  I remember one time being stressed over my husband’s work hours and our hurried schedules and feeling like we were two ships passing in the night.  A friend of mine shared how she too experienced that, she encouraged me to communicate with my husband and she shared how her husband was working nights and made me grateful that yes even though my husband was working long hours at least he came home every night and was sleeping next to me and at least he had a job, there are couples whose spouse is not working. 

When a friend comes to you hurt and frustrated, be a good friend and encourage them to think on all the things they have to be grateful for.  Encourage them to think on how they fell in love and all the reasons why they love their spouse.  Don’t join in berating their spouse or encouraging them to be selfish and prove a point.  Don’t judge their spouse, and hold a grudge over a situation.  Someone has taught me there is no grace for another man’s offense.  That is so true; you can get over a personal offense a lot easier than when you take someone else’s offense.

I know in marriage there will be times when one or the other says something or does something that is not the kindest.  When this takes place instead of being quick with a comeback or immediately telling someone else, let it go!  Many times if you walk away and get some fresh air, and allow them some space, they will realize their actions and apologize or you will recognize maybe they had a rough day at work or “hangry” was talking (anger due to hunger).  Many times it is not personal or any reflection of your relationship.  Be quick to forgive and be quick to admit when you are at fault and ask for forgiveness.

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