My Favorite Pre-marital Assignment

I mentioned before in an earlier post how I would blog about my favorite pre-marital counseling assignment.  My husband and I have been married for over eleven years and this one assignment has stuck with us all this time.  We frequently refer to this assignment. 

Our pastor in pre-marital counseling assigned us to meet with over ten married couples.  Our pastor had specific couples in mind with specific stories for them to tell us about.  He also encouraged us to spend time with married couples, either on a couples date, dinner at their house, or some fun activity so we could observe, ask questions and learn from their life story.

This assignment in some way further inspired my desire to blog.  I know in meeting with these couples, hearing their story, my life, my marriage was forever creased.  These couples shared intimate details about their relationships, hardships they have endured and overcame.  As a result of discussing a variety of different topics with people who were open and honest is why I love to help with marriage counseling, why I love blogging, I want to share my life story in hopes you can learn from my mistakes, gather from my strengths and make wiser choices from observing my life.

As a result of experiencing this it has helped me be more open and taught me to tap into the gift of the people around me.  I remember a time my husband and I went away for the weekend with another couple friend of ours and I was asking questions about their life.  They shared openly but I remember the look like “you sure do ask a lot of questions”.  I always preface, you can share if you would like or just tell me you do not want to talk about it, I will not take it personally.  I am not just asking to be nosy, I am asking to learn, to possibly implement what is working for you in my life. 

Some couples we met at their house, others we went out to dinner with, others we talked while we played miniature golf, or at ice-cream after bowling.  We discussed simple topics and other topics quite deep.  One couple shared with us how they handled loss as a couple, I did not know then that we would experience a miscarriage, and yet we met with this couple who had miscarried quite a few times, and then gave birth to twin stillborn babies before they had their miracle baby.  We discussed how they got through that as a couple, how it affected their married life, sex life, and so much more.  I am so grateful for their honesty and being vulnerable in sharing with us.   

After meeting with each couple I would e-mail in a synopsis of what we discussed, which I am so grateful I did, because I have all that information still today and refer to it at times.

Some of the other topics we discussed (I will blog in greater detail about some of these topics):

• How to handle holidays and in-laws.  Where will you be spending Thanksgiving or Christmas?
• How to cleave to your spouse, truly becoming one.
• Adjusting to married life, and being alone together, traveling together.
• Being with family as a married couple.  Also being sensitive to your families adjusting to you as a married couple.
• Communication
• Being quick to admit when you’re wrong, quick to apologizing and ask for forgiveness and quick to forgive.
• Different seasons in marriage, newlywed season, adding children, children leaving, empty nesting, grandchildren.
• Being a united front, once we have kids, remember we were together before the kids, keeping each other a priority.
• Finances, debt, budgeting, saving.
• No secrets, getting rid of misconceptions before marriage.
• Intimacy, truly giving of yourself. 
• Recognizing the needs of your spouse, emotionally, spiritually, financially, being sensitive to each other.
• Reading the Bible together, praying together and growing spiritually together.
• Dating after marriage, being spontaneous, making time for each other.

What a privilege we had as a young soon to be married couple to be able to discuss these huge issues before we were married.  We have been able to adjust our thought process as we have matured, it set us up for an open line of communication.  

If you have a family member getting married, share a part of your story to help their marriage, and relationship, share mistakes you had to overcome as a married couple.  Share what you found different than what you thought married life would be, share how you overcame your first fight, share the best thing you did at your wedding, the best thing about being married for you is, etc.

If you are single and desire to be married one day, glean from the married couples in your life.  Watch how they handle situations, do not judge them, take note of things you want to put in place in your marriage and other things you do not want to have in your marriage.  Learn how you can modify and implement what works for others in your married life. 

If you are married, no matter how many years, do not think you know everything.  Be willing to learn from young married couples and couples who have been married longer than you.  Ask questions, and learn from others things you can do to be a better wife or husband.  Learn from both strengths and weaknesses of others.  Hunger to grow as a person and further develop your communication skills and relationship skills.  Remind yourself of those early blissful times as you watch newlyweds, don’t be critical of newlyweds with comments like “oh they will get over that quick”, encourage that young love, you don’t ever get those beginning days back.

“The world is a university, and everyone in it is a teacher.  Make sure when you wake up in the morning you go to school.” – Bishop T.D. Jakes 

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