5 Essential Tips for Marriage

My husband and I just went on a weekend get-a-way.  We try and get away quarterly together, recently we have not been able to do that.  My husband started a new job  a few months ago, so he could not take time off right away, his job also has him traveling and then it always takes a little more effort when you have three small children and another one on the way.  We decided that no matter what we had to take the time before our fourth baby arrives, even if it was for one night, which thankfully we were away Friday through Sunday.  While away we celebrated our 12^th wedding anniversary!

In our time away we had a very relaxing and fun time.  In celebrating our 12^th anniversary had us thinking on marriage and I wanted to share with you some tips and things I think are important to having a great marriage.  Our marriage is not perfect, and we still have the big numbers to celebrate 25 years, 50 years, etc. I love being married and am grateful my husband and I both see the importance of working on our relationship.  

When I think about who I was and who my husband was at age 21 when we married, we have definitely had our moments, we have also grown and matured in many different areas in life.  In our twelve years of marriage we have had tough financial times we have had to work through, we miscarried a baby and had to learn to walk through grief and loss, we both had full time jobs in our early years and I have become a stay at home mom, and we have had some really great times in our marriage through our years together.  That is the thing with marriage, I love that in our vow’s we did say for better or for worse, through sickness and through health, for richer or poorer, because every marriage has its moments, no marriage is perfect but if both people are committed to each other and those so important vows, practicing those vows, you can have a great and long lasting marriage.

Key #1 - God!  Having God at the center of your marriage is vital.  Even if you are not religious I’m sure you have heard that God is love.  If anything having God in your life the author and creator of love in your marriage, makes room for you to learn to love, learn about things like forgiveness, selflessness, sacrifice, the famous I Corinthians chapter 13, Love is patient, love is kind . . . .and who knows you better than the one who created you, the one who created your spouse.  

I don’t think just because you go to church guarantees you’ll have a great marriage, if you look at statistics the divorce rate is just as high in the church as it is with those who don’t go to church.  Going to church every Sunday and having God at the center of your marriage are two completely different things.  It’s about relationship.  Do you the wife have a relationship with the author of love?  Do you the husband have a relationship with the author of love?  In a relationship you talk on a daily basis, when you do come across a marriage crisis, dry spell, or issue, can you go to the creator of love and pray and seek for His help in your marriage relationship?  This is HUGE, this will set you far above, give you a lead in married life.  There have been occasions when as a wife I did not know what to do, what to say but as a result of my relationship with God, and prayer for my husband the situation was handled differently than I would have handled the situation on my own.

Another perspective on why having God at the center of your marriage is vital is no human can make another human completely happy and fulfilled at all times.  As a person you should know you have good days, you have bad days, you have days where you feel loved and confident and you can better love, express love and then there are not so good days when if you don’t even love yourself how can you love another.  With God in your life and His unconditional love, there is a part of you that is complete.  We often say in marriage “my spouse completes me” and there is truth to that, my husband brings something to my life that I need, he bring a balance to me but for me to EXPECT him to fulfill me at all times and make me happy at all times is unreasonable, unrealistic and vice versa.  There will be things that he does or says, things I do or say that disappoint each other.  In a successful marriage you allow God to fill those voids, those times of loneliness, there will be those times, those things that your spouse does not bring to the table at any given moment or day.  When you don’t have God to turn to, many times, you find people to turn to friends, sports, work, activities, and other things to try and fill those voids, which will only hurt your relationship not build it.   

Key #2 – Decide/Choose:  Choosing to love your spouse is a decision, a decision you need to make daily.  Choosing to not quit, not give-up, divorce is not an option from both parties is necessary for a long lasting marriage.  This is something my husband and I decided early on in our marriage and discussed.  As long as you have two willing people, both willing to work on their issues, both willing to discuss, evaluate, and change, I believe every marriage has hope.  We decided that we would never speak the words of divorce, divorce is not an option.  We would never threaten each other with divorce and we have not.

And again, at times it is easy to love each other, but there will be times when you have to remind yourself that you decided, you chose to marry this person, you chose to love, cherish and honor this person.  That means even when you don’t “feel” like it, or when they are not acting lovable.  I choose to love you when you are sad, when you are angry, when you are distant, because we all have those moments.  

Key #3 – Study your spouse!  As people we change over time, life circumstances shape us, we learn and grow over time, and this is a good thing.  With change though, if you do not put effort into studying each other, you can easily grow apart.  Your spouse may have major career changes, which affects who they are, affects their perspective on life.  With age alone you change, I’m not the same person I was when I was 21 and although my principles have remained the same, you also have an awakening through just getting older.  What you thought you would always do in marriage when you were single, or would never do, you quickly discover after being married sometimes changes.  You add children to the relationship and again, huge change.  Even though you may have discussed parenting philosophies before having children, again, once you have them, some of those things are adjusted.  Your taste buds can change, do you know what your spouse likes to eat, what is their favorite restaurant it may have changed from when you first met.  Sometimes you switch roles, the one who was a night owl, now becomes an early riser and the one who was an early riser can become a night owl.  Sometimes you were the one who saved and budgeted and over time you become the spender.  This is why studying each other is so important, being ever intrigued and interested in each other’s interests, personality, likes and dislikes.  Studying and knowing what makes your spouse happy, fulfilled, so that you can do the best you can to create that environment for each other.   

Key #4 – Agreement!  The two become one, is what you often hear when getting married and it is true, you are bringing two lives into one.  No longer your way and his way, but a new way, a mix of you both.  I have not always agreed with every decision my husband has made and likewise he has not always agreed with what I wanted to do.  Both of you being willing to bend, change, yield to the other person is key.  Realizing that you won’t always agree, but always coming together on the decision never one on one side and the other standing on the other side is vital.  Agreement may be different in different situations, in some decisions it may mean that you or he give in to the other and get in agreement to be together on the issue, in other decisions it may mean you do not move forward on it, unless you both are on the same page.  Either way agreement to me means that you stand together, even if it’s a I would do this different, I would choose a different way but I trust you, and I’m going to yield and stand with you on this.  It may be a financial decision, a parenting decision, or a simple decision of where to eat.  Agreement is both deciding to do the one thing though, not after saying I told you so, or I knew it wouldn’t work, it’s both of us made this decision, we live and learn together, choosing to grow through mistakes together.  

Key #5 – Communication!  Keep the lines of communication open so you both can talk, discuss, and share with each other. I believe this will enable you to do all of the above.  When you communicate and don’t shut each other out, it enables you to stick to your decision of not quitting, not getting a divorce. One person alone cannot work on a marriage, it takes both of you.  Communication enables you to study each other and learn what each of you is thinking and processing.  Communication enables you to stay in agreement.  How can you get in agreement if you don’t communicate and discuss with each other what is going on in your mind, or heart.  I find with communication comes understanding and compassion, there have been times when I thought my husband was acting like a jerk, but with communication and learning why he made that choice, or with communication learning he was having a bad day and did not mean to take it out on me, than we can work through that.  With communication we were able to get through tough financial times, both being on the same page, not placing blame, with communication I learned that my husband processed grief differently when we miscarried and lost a baby.  With communication my husband has expressed his love for me, when I was not feeling loved, or attractive.  There are times when your sex life will be great and amazing, and there will be times, when one of you or both of you are not feeling your best, whether because of stress, or a new baby or whatever, with communication you can work through that.  

I recently heard someone say that men naturally have a tendency or heightened awareness to feel shame, inadequacy, and failure.  Remember men are ego.  And women have a tendency or heightened awareness to isolation, and feeling shut out.  With communication, wives can communicate love, support and success to your man, or you can communicate that shame and inadequacy to them.  With communication husbands you can communicate unity, togetherness, and love to your wife or that isolation, loneliness and feeling of being shut out to your wife.  

Whether you will be celebrating one year being married, or 50 years being married, I think it’s important to look back and remember how you fell in love, why you fell in love and what makes your relationship work.  Take time on your next date night or get away to think on the important things in your relationship.  Cherish how much you both have grown and matured, little things and big things.  I think back to when we first were married my husband did not fix or repair a single thing, it was not his gift, over time and life experiences he has become quite the handy man and I am often amazed how he has changed in this area.  Value and express that you value the things you do for each other to stand together and love each other.  Love takes work, it takes effort.  Appreciate what each of you brings to your relationship.  If you are going through a tougher time in your relationship, realize that everyone no matter how perfect their relationship looks has those times.  Realize there will be times of loneliness, there will be times of disagreement, there will be ups and downs, as long as you are committed to each other and to work on your relationship, you will get through it.  

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