October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, October 15th is observed with remembrance ceremonies and worldwide candle lighting at 7 PM in whichever time zone you live in.  It is a day of remembrance for pregnancy loss and infant death which includes, but is not limited to, miscarriage, still birth, SIDS or the death of a newborn. 

In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan Proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan.  When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower.  When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.  This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world.  It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.”

Too many families grieve in silence and feel alone.  1 in every 4 pregnancies end in the loss of a baby.  This is a statistic no woman wants to be part of, and yet we all either will experience or know someone who experiences infant loss. 

In November 2012 a couple weeks before I was getting ready to announce my fourth pregnancy to family and friends I started spotting.  I know most women announce their pregnancy right away; I have always waited till after my first Dr. appointment with ultrasound confirming my approximate due date.  With Thanksgiving right around the corner I was planning on telling our family and friends then.  Some people do this because most pregnancies are considered safe after eight weeks.  I really have done this because once you announce you are pregnant it brings on the never ending questions and comments from people, I know they mean well.  I like to enjoy this beginning season with just my husband and I knowing, celebrating and embracing new life just the two of us.  I love that first sensation of having a good secret that is so special and precious.  In this day and age we live in with social media and everything in print or media, I think it is good to keep some things private even if it’s for a little while. 

It was a Sunday afternoon when I first began to spot.  I asked for prayer later that night at evening service and Monday morning called and scheduled an immediate appointment, I had an appointment scheduled for later that week.  My Dr. saw me that Tuesday morning and ran some blood tests, my HCG levels and progesterone levels were low, my spotting had stopped, she recommended an ultrasound and more blood work to be done in a couple days.  I did not have insurance and the cost of an ultrasound would be quite costly, my Dr. called a friend who owned a 3-d ultrasound facility.  They were not a Dr. so they could not advise me on anything but they could at the least perform the ultrasound and verify a heartbeat.  My Dr. told me the ultrasound tech would not discuss the findings with me, they would perform the ultrasound and call her with the details and then she would call me, she had directed them to look for specific details.  I had prepared to pay something for the ultrasound, but the office would not receive my payment, I was so moved by their thoughtfulness and generosity in a time like this.  When they would not receive my payment I lost it, I had determined to go in that office strong and stay strong, well, that did not last.

My ultrasound was scheduled for Friday, I remember I was at a trade show for an event I was coordinating and I called my husband to tell him I would be going in that afternoon for an ultrasound. I was an event coordinator for a huge Christmas event that would take place a couple weeks after Thanksgiving providing gifts for families.  My husband left work and met me at the ultrasound place I was so relieved to have him with me.  Shortly thereafter my Dr. called and said that I had a low lying placenta, and based off the ultrasound images and my decreasing HCG levels she would estimate that I would miscarry in the next few days.  Not only was I facing a physical battle but handling nonstop phone calls for the event I was coordinating.  Working part time at another job and being a mom to three little ones.  I felt like I was in a whirlwind, and I felt like I had been hit and had the wind knocked out of me.

I remember praying for a miracle and hoping for the best and at the same time having concern about having a high risk pregnancy knowing that I had three small children to care for and feeling I was not strong enough for that.  My mom had experienced spotting when she was pregnant with me and her Dr. recommended bed rest she was a lot farther along.  My Dr. advised me that being only 8 weeks along, bed rest would not be healthy for me or my family, which I was grateful for, it relieved some of the pressure I was feeling.  I felt like I was walking on egg shells, trying everything in my power to do everything right.  Of course she recommended no lifting and to take it easier, but with 3 small children bed rest for 9 months was not feasible.  It was two full weeks from when I began to spot to experiencing my miscarriage.  Those were the longest two weeks of my life.  I did not have a D&C, I miscarried at home, I had a follow up exam with my OB GYN and she said I had passed everything naturally.

I remember needing the love and support of my mom but how hard it was to make that call, instead of sharing the joy of “I’m expecting” there was also a “but” I have started spotting and might miscarry.  I am so grateful for my mom and sister they came over and cleaned my house and helped with the boys.  I am so grateful for my husband who handled meals and baths and all the daily routine as I rested, cried, and was at a loss.  I am so grateful for my pastor and his wife who prayed for me and called to check in on me.  My pastor’s wife had also experienced miscarriage and she shared her love and support.  I really didn’t tell many people what I was going through, until after I had miscarried, especially because we hadn’t even announced our pregnancy.  The few who did know were very kind and offered support and meals, which was greatly appreciated. 

After I had miscarried I was home on a Tuesday night alone, my husband took our children to church, I was watching church service via live stream thank God for technology.  I had hopped onto Facebook at some point that evening and a friend I followed mentioned in a post if you knew anyone who experienced infant loss to visit his daughter’s blog http://10kreasons.wordpress.com, this was the first blog that I have read every single post.  She shared her story of finding out at a routine 20-week ultrasound that her baby had no heartbeat and how God had her journal daily things she was grateful for.  This was so timely and exactly what I needed.  Reading her blog birthed the dream of one day starting a blog of my own and here I am.  It helped me realize I was not alone, she wrote how her baby mattered, and he was not just a blip.  One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 139 it speaks of how we are wonderfully and fearfully made and how He knew us in our mother’s womb.  She wrote about other scriptures and songs that encouraged her spirit.

My sister in-law had miscarried just months before I did, she was 18 or so weeks along, never having experienced a miscarriage you don’t know what to say, I of course prayed and sent our love and support they live far away so I was unable to physically be there.  When she heard I miscarried she called and spoke with me on the phone, we emailed back and forth and I am so grateful she reached out to me and shared her story. 

After miscarrying I took a couple weeks off, but had to jump back in and help with the non-profit event I was helping coordinate.  We also had Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s, and I had a two year old, four year old and six year old, the entire holiday season was a big blur.  In some ways I was grateful for all these things because it helped take my mind off things and I did not have the opportunity to be depressed, there was too much too do.  On the other hand, I had to deal with emotions that were stirred up by different things months even well into a year after my miscarriage.  In experiencing this loss, I learned to slow down and appreciate my children more.  I learned to cherish each and every moment and truly stand in awe of pregnancy and childbirth.  I have always cherished pregnancy and childbirth, I often wondered how anyone can say there is no God after being pregnant and giving birth, it really is a miracle, which is even more real to me experiencing loss and knowing 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. 

A few things I’ve learned through this, when someone you know experiences loss, share your story if you have one similar so they know they are not alone.  Support them anyway possible, help with their other children, help with house cleaning, meals, and transportation of other children to and from school.  And most of all just be there, be a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear to allow them to talk about their feelings and what they are going through.  I know many people keep at a distance because they don’t know what to say.  Just say I love you, I am thinking of you, can I bring over dinner for your family.

There is a stigma at times that because you are a Christian believer, you don’t or should not experience loss or often looked upon as what sin did you commit to bring this on.  I remember going through the stage of beating myself up, rethinking in my mind everything I had done the weeks prior.  Wondering what I had done to cause this.  Some people ask why bad things happen to good people.  Although we don’t always know the reasons why we lose loved ones in our life or go through hardships.  We put our faith and hope in the one true King.  The one who knew from the beginning of time what we would experience in our life.  The one who is the greatest comforter and giver of the peace that surpasses all understanding.  The one who does not cause death but walks with us through our grief process.  The one who sent His one and only son to bear our grief and sorrow.  I know there is pain and grief when you lose someone you love but if you will allow God to comfort you and carry that grief for you, you can experience peace and grace like no other.  He can fill every void and heal every broken heart.  With healing it does not mean you forget the person you lost, or move on never thinking of them but even more so knowing the significance of their life, knowing the frailty of life and knowing the love of the giver of life.  You can live your life with heaven in mind, knowing you will meet again.  Your baby is in heaven!  I love reading books about heaven, I loved the book and movie “Heaven is for Real” the young boy Colton met his sister in his heaven experience, the sister the mom had miscarried and never even told Colton about.  I loved reading “I Will Carry You” by Angie Smith, also “Mommy Please don’t Cry” by Linda DeYmaz.  I look forward to one day meeting my little one in heaven.

Even with great love and support from family and friends I still had moments of loneliness, shame, fear, heartache, I can’t imagine how people go through the loss of a loved one without a support team.  It was difficult in the weeks and months after miscarrying to see other pregnant women, to see the babies in our church nursery.  Commercials, Songs, friends announcing they were pregnant, stirred up emotions. I wondered if this baby meant as much to my husband as it did to me, not realizing that he “couldn’t” fall apart like I did, someone had to care for our three children and handle the day to day responsibilities of a family.  It was actually when I was talking with another couple I knew who had lost their eighteen month old that I was able to talk some of these feelings out.  They so kindly and gracefully shared different parts of their story.  They encouraged me that even though I never met my baby, he or she was just as real to me as them losing their toddler.  They shared how both of them grieved differently and had moments of release at different times.  There were different stages in my healing process, forgiving myself, forgiving the situation, I never blamed God, but I questioned why?

I hope after reading this post you will be more prepared to help support a friend you may know who has an infant loss.  I hope this gives you greater understanding of the struggle in losing a baby.  Be there to love, support, help those in your life experiencing loss.  Do not stay away because you don’t know what to say.  Say I love you.  Take them dinner or a gift, let them know they are in your thoughts and prayers.  Sit with them and let them talk.  Don’t make comments such as “You can try again”, “At least you have other children”, “There is a reason for everything”.  Don’t diminish the significance of their baby no matter what stage they lose their baby.  The minute you find out your pregnant, you fall in love with this little human you have never met, every life is special.  Don’t ask them what they need, when you experience loss you don’t know what you need.  Take the initiative, to help them clean, transport other children, make a meal, bake dessert, etc.

You can encourage them to focus on all the things they have to be grateful for.  However acknowledge that there loss was real.  In experiencing a loss we know we have a lot to be grateful for, and yet we also know a part of our family is missing.  Acknowledge that pain and loss is real, I think too often when someone loses someone they love they feel pushed, forced if you would to “move on”.  We know life goes on, I think that is even more real to those who have lost.  Allow them to grieve however they need to.  Give them the time they need, you can get them out of the house for some fresh air.  Just do everything in love, with compassion, and sensitivity.  Ask yourself what would you want someone to do for you if you were in their shoes.

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