We were married in May of 2003.  We were both twenty one years in age, looking back now we were so very young, my thinking then why wasn’t I married sooner.  It is amazing how you age and grow and until then have no clue of what adult life is like even though you think you have it all figured out.

We went to New York City for ten days for our honeymoon.  My fiancé took the lead in planning our honeymoon, we both agreed where we wanted to go but we agreed he would handle the details, obtaining reservations, tickets to attractions and the itinerary.  My personality is a go with the flow type, I’ll go anywhere, eat anything, just tell me what the plan is and I am good to go, and surprisingly my husband and I are actually both quite like that.

We planned on visiting all the popular tourist sites, The Statue of Liberty, The Empire State Building, visit the Site of the Twin Towers, Take a Helicopter tour of the city, Watch A Broadway Show, we had tickets to view the Regis and Kelly Show and so much more.  I had visited New York City once before, this would be my husband’s first visit.

I am not a big sports fan, growing up my father was a HUGE Raiders Fan he drug us to practice games, autograph signings and all things Raiders and any other sporting event that he could squeeze in.  While courting I had gone into great detail of my then hatred for sports to my fiancé, but I was aware that he liked sports and when he brought up that he wanted to go to a baseball game while we were on our honeymoon I happily obliged.  Remember those first days when you are just happy to be together and it doesn’t matter what it is that you do.    

I also knew my husband had an interest in music, he plays the keyboard on our church praise and worship team and worked at a radio station in our early days of marriage, so when he discussed wanting to see an off Broadway musical production, where they played music on trash cans and ordinary things I happily obliged as well, like I said I’m pretty much up for anything except jumping out of an airplane (which my husband has done). 

Along the way on our honeymoon I would mention, let’s eat here, or let’s look in this shop and my husband would frequently suggest something else, no let’s eat over there, let’s go to this shop instead and I just followed never saying a word.  After this taking place a number of times it started to bother me.  I didn't say anything though I didn’t want to fight on our honeymoon and I had this picture in my head of don’t be a nagging wife.  Looking back and after being married a while I now know, I should have expressed what I was feeling and thinking instead of holding it all in.  How was he supposed to know what I was feeling if I just kept smiling and going along as if I were happy.

So here we are down to our last couple days on our honeymoon, I made a suggestion to visit a store and he was ready to go do something else.  Tears started to flow down my face and I here am crying walking in one direction in the middle of New York City with no idea how to get back to our hotel room and my husband who is supposed to protect me, love me and take great interest in me is walking in the opposite direction.  To his defense, when I began to cry and he asked what was wrong, I wasn’t really divulging any information.  What was he supposed to do when I refused to tell him what was wrong and why I was crying.  In my defense it was my honeymoon I didn’t want to complain and tell you how I felt you weren’t taking any interest in my feelings, desires and preferences and how I thought he was being a selfish jerk.  Why didn’t he see what I needed?  I had these thoughts; is this what marriage is going to be like?  He gets to decide everything we do and doesn’t care what I think or desire to do.

He did end up meeting back up with me, walked us to the hotel room where I told him what I was feeling, but we didn’t really discuss every detail, he said he didn’t realize that he was making all the decisions without me and we flew back home hand in hand excited to see our apartment together but inwardly I was still feeling hurt and he was still feeling clueless about what happened back there. 

Gratefully I attend a church where we had pre-marital counseling and had set up an appointment to meet with our pastor after our honeymoon to discuss the wedding, honeymoon and how we were doing.  We discussed our first fight with our pastor and he offered priceless wisdom and insights on the entire thing.  He talked us through our fight, which I am eternally grateful for.  If we had not talked this through, and I harbored those thoughts of “he is selfish” “he doesn’t care about my desires” it would have set up our marriage for failure or at the very least an unsatisfying and unfulfilling relationship. 

Our pastor pointed out to me that my husband Jeff is second to the last child in a family of six children.  Up to that point my husband had never had much experience in making all the decisions and taking the lead.  With older siblings sometimes the younger ones don’t always get that opportunity.  Here he is getting married, taking care of his new bride; he embraced taking charge and leading and was enjoying making the decisions.  He wasn’t trying to be selfish; he was caught up in the moment and excitement of it all and I wasn’t trying to give him the silent treatment, I was trying to avoid a fight, I didn’t know how to express myself without feeling like I was nagging him. 

Because we were able to talk this through and see both perspectives of where we were coming from we were able to forgive and forget, I say again forgive, not just brush it under the carpet and move forward.  In marriage and life forgiveness is key.  Our spouse will not always please us and do everything right in our eyes.  And after eleven years of marriage I now know there is a difference between talking through a situation and forgiving each other compared to just accepting a situation but harboring and pondering on negative thoughts about your spouse’s attitude, motives or choices. 

In growing through this we have been able to apply what we learned in that meeting to other situations in our life.  Take a step back, look at the situation from both people’s perspectives, don’t read into why someone is doing something or making that decision.  Talk it through with an open heart listening to your spouse’s thought process and decision making process. 

If you are getting married I strongly encourage pre-marital counseling.  Even if you are not a member of a church, many churches or other organizations offer these services.  If you are married I recommend when having a disagreement allow someone else who is not going to take sides discuss the situation with you both.  It helps to take a step back and see situations from a different vantage point.  It doesn’t matter how long you have been married there will be times when you don’t understand how your husband is thinking or what he is doing and vice versa.  

It is not healthy to bottle up your feelings and think you have everything under control on your own, talk things through, talk things out loud and walk in true love and forgiveness.  I’ve made mistakes as a wife, he’s made mistakes as a husband, and there will be more mistakes in our future.  We need to remember that we are in this together and my spouse is not the enemy.  We don’t wake up in the morning intending to hurt each other.  Sometimes with scurried schedules, the stress and pressures of life we say and do things we don’t mean to.  Be willing to admit when you’ve made a mistake, be willing to apologize, listen to each other and think on the many reasons you love each other.  It's never too late to talk through a situation and resolve hurt feelings.  Maybe you had a fight in your early days of marriage, if you still want to cry when you think about the event, you should schedule uninterrupted time to talk it through with your spouse.

Thank you for reading!